I have always engaged in some form of martial art—judo in college, karate and kendo as a working person—but muay thai in my senior years is something else.  In addition to arnis, muay thai makes me feel, among other things, like a Southeast Asian, and not an East Asian (as my previous disciplines were all originally Japanese) in combative spirit.

How I ended up doing this was not clear at the start. I don’t even like watching mixed martial arts, which sees a lot of muay thai practitioners, on television or YouTube. The sheer brutality of MMA does not sit well with me. I can’t stand seeing a person getting elbowed or punched even as he or she is pinned down, or the full-contact high kicks that send a person to slumberland and the hospital.

As it is, classical boxing is considered brutal and even unwatchable by many people. How much more MMA, in which, except for the most patently dangerous moves like eye-gouging or trachea-grabbing, it’s a no-holds-barred contest where bruises are aplenty, blood flows freely, and the sole objective is to put your opponent down or pin him or her to submission? 

Boxing deaths and long-term and life-changing injury are common. The husband of a sister-in-law lost his eyesight after sparring, which no doubt resulted from absorbing blows to the head (he did have poor eyesight to begin with).

Total sport

And yet there is something visceral and total about boxing that clicks even with completely uncompetitive people like me. I don’t really do it for self-defense. I am old and know enough to stay out of trouble and avoid dangerous places and situations. Neither do I do it for self-confidence, as I know who I am and what I can do or not do.

But I feel a qualitative change in my feeling of wellbeing. I feel more flexible and I feel greater cardiovascular fitness that keeps my pulmonary asthma at bay. (The ailment has of late plagued me and brought me to an irritable, hypersensitive and painfully inflamed state.) I realized the quality of the high-intensity interval training that boxing provides is unparalleled. It is, in short, addictive. 

If at my very beginner level I feel this way, I can understand how the greatest of all time, Manny Pacquiao, can want to keep on fighting as long as he can put on a boxing glove. There is no quit, no off button in boxing.

I think that’s the word. The totality of the discipline. This realization was buttressed when I looked up an ESPN report that polled sports experts who rated 60 sports according to 10 criteria: endurance, strength, power, speed, agility, flexibility, nerve or “the ability to overcome fear,” durability, hand-eye coordination, and analytic aptitude or “the ability to evaluate and react appropriately to strategic situations.” Boxing was ranked No. 1, closely followed by ice hockey, which is as close as one can get to a team blood sport. Golf, which people my age normally engage in, was a far 51, close to the bottom of the list.

Being with my son at the boxing gym is also among the biggest benefits I get. I have always counseled him, drilling into him what I call the ABC of self-defense (avoid, block, counter), and this mantra is brought to life most clearly in muay thai training.

Motivation

I guess my greatest motivation is physical fitness and endurance. It’s as if I should stop trying to be fit, I can only decline and die sooner than I want to. Funny, but I recall that cynical comment about a person “dying healthy.” Well, that will be me, I hope. I guess it amounts to wanting to do all that I can still do in the time I still have. 

And so, recently, I ventured to say, “Now I can go skydiving.” To which my wife snapped, “We’re not taking care of you just so you can get into an accident.” 

Well, that’s the end of that. For now, anyway.

The post My foray into muay thai appeared first on CoverStory.

In my roller-coaster life journey of “ups and downs,” I’ve tried to scour for meaning and devised “10 things to remember when depressed by challenges and struggles.” They have served as my guideposts during rock-bottom moments, and I hope they would do the same for you. 

1. The past cannot be changed, but we can in the present choose and act on our future. You don’t have to cry over a failed or unhappy past; it’s gone. Neither should you stress yourself about the future; it hasn’t arrived yet. What you can do is live in the present and make it beautiful. 

The past can’t be altered, yes. But you can, at present, choose and start to act on what you desire for the future. #Depression Tips

2. Everyone’s journey is different; if there’s a reason for your struggle, there’s also a reason not to give up. In moments of challenges, you don’t have to complain, “Why me?” Remember, each one’s journey is unique and different.

As there’s always a reason for everything, so it is for your struggle. Find “meaning” in your suffering and it will alleviate your pain. 

There must also be a reason not to give up. It might be your loved ones—family or kin—who can be your inspiration to persist and persevere. Or even other people, who inspire you or are inspired by you. Or your magnificent dream or a purpose you have yet to achieve—that’s reason enough not to give up. #Depression Tips

3. You can only fail when you quit, and mistakes aren’t completely mistakes. The only time you can fail is when you give up. The moment you say you can’t is the moment you stop being able to.

The biggest mistake some people can ever make is to be too afraid to make one. But mistakes are not completely mistakes; they, in fact, offer plenty of lessons. #Depression Tips

Related: Need help? There’s ‘Thank God It’s Wednesday’

4. Struggles and challenges are opportunities for growth. Pain and struggles are part and parcel of life; they are opportunities for learning, growth, and transformation. The safest path is not always the most convenient or the best. The more challenges, the more you learn and grow. The best thing you can gain from challenges is not the thing you want, but the “person” you become in the process. #Depression Tips

5. Nothing is permanent, and things always get better with time. No matter how miserable and hateful your situation, it is not permanent; it will pass. And as life changes every second, things always get better with time—including you. You, too, can choose to change for the better. #Depression Tips

6. Happiness is found within. As has often been said, don’t look for happiness in others’ successes. You have your own greatness and strengths. Happiness is not found in “possessions” or “positions.” It can’t be found outside; it can only spring from within you. #Depression Tips

7. Positive thoughts create positive realities, and what goes around comes around. Negative thoughts inevitably engender negative results; positive thoughts create positive realities. You may not be capable of changing what is actually happening to you, but you can choose how to react positively from within to what is happening to you.

As the saying goes, “what goes around comes around” or “what you sow is what you reap.” So, think or do good, and you receive good. #Depression Tips

8. Opinions don’t define reality, and judgments are a confession of character. If you’re scoffed at or derided by other people, worry not, for their opinions do not define who you are. Besides, people who are wont to make unfair judgments only speak of who they actually are. Don’t judge people by their “cover” for they are not a book. #Depression Tips

9. Worrying can’t change anything, and overthinking leads to sadness. If there is anything that kills more people faster than any dreaded pandemic, it is worrying. You can’t change anything by worrying. In the same vein, thinking can only lead to more thinking or overthinking and, therefore, to more questions. More often than not, overthinking in moments of despair can only lead to sadness. #Depression Tips

10. Always P.R.A.Y. (Pull back, Reflect, Act, Yield to God’s grace) and nurture an “attitude of gratitude.” Prayer is the best antidote to any problem. And, as has been often said, the highest form of prayer is giving thanks, so always be grateful for what you have. Count your blessings. #Depression Tips

What St. Teresa of Avila said is truly spot on: “Let nothing worry you. Let nothing distract you. Whoever has God will lack for nothing. Only God suffices.”

Bob Acebedo writes a column in the weekly OpinYon (https://opinyon.net). —Ed.

The post 10 things to remember when depressed by challenges appeared first on CoverStory.

Living in the present moment—or “mindfulness,” as others call it—is a state of active, open, intentional, and (most important) nonjudgmental attention or awareness of the present. 

But, more often than not, we let the present slip away, as we worry about the future and ruminate about the past. At work, many of us find ourselves fantasizing about being on vacation, and, while on vacation, we worry about work piling up on our desks. We dwell on intrusive memories of the past or fret about what may or may not happen in the future.

Choosing to live in the past or the future not only robs you of enjoyment today, it also robs you of truly living.

How do we go about living in the present moment? Here are some tips:

Appreciate and savor the moments of today. Relish or luxuriate in the real aspects of today—the sights, the sounds, the emotions, the triumph, the joy and the sorrow.

Forgive past hurts. Acknowledge what happened. Let go of any grudge or resentment for your “own sake,” and move forward.

Appreciate your work or what you’re regularly doing. With your job, be it at your home or your workplace, if you feel just having “survived” the workweek by just waiting for the weekend to come, you’re probably wasting some 70% (5/7 days) of your life. If you don’t find yourself in your work or in what you’re doing, you’re missing your “presence” in the moment.

Stop worrying about the future; do your best and enjoy today. Don’t be anxious about the future. It will come according to how you handle the present. Work hard, enjoy, and make the most of the present, because a successful tomorrow is a well-done and happily spent today.   

Related: Growing old and transitioning to retirement

But still, others are wont to complain: “How can we live in or savor the present when it is the present that is problematic, filled with pain, anxiety, and uncertainty?

Here’s a wise piece of advice: If something unpleasant is bothering you in the present, move toward it rather than away from it. 

The mind’s natural tendency when faced with pain is to attempt to avoid it. But in many cases, negative feelings and situations can’t be avoided—and resisting them only magnifies the pain. 

Thus, the solution in trying to live in a painful present is acceptance—that is, being open to the way things are in the moment without trying to manipulate or change the experience, judging it, clinging to it, or pushing it away.

Acceptance of the present moment is neither solving nor taking away the problem, but it relieves you of needless extra suffering. Acceptance of an unpleasant moment is not giving up on your goals or dreams. It is accepting the present loss or drawback. But it should not deter you from trying again or continuing to pursue your dream.

In sum, living in the present is embracing both the joy and sorrow of the moment. Continue to learn, grow, and experience one moment at a time. Live in the present and make it beautiful, because a meaningful life is made up of well-spent moments. 

Bob Acebedo writes a column in OpinYon weeklies (https://opinyon.net). —Ed.

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“The emotional abuse caused by ghosting” was “detrimental to the nation’s productivity,” Teves said. But he wasn’t specific on the penalty.

A boyfriend ghosted me ages ago. My feelings alternated between numbness and pain for years before I realized that I’d been ghosted, and that my experience wasn’t a novelty. 

Kelvin Gotama, an Indonesia-based physician, was similarly crushed.  “I have never been one to develop affection towards someone easily. When I was ghosted for the first time, it was also the first time I had actually fancied someone. Naturally, I was devastated … They just walked away from me, like I meant nothing and held no significance whatsoever in their life,” he said.

When Patricia Corre, now living in France, was ghosted by her close friends, the initial surprise turned into profound hurt and anger. “[They] should have known that they could be straight with me,” said the Filipino homemaker.

The number of ghosting incidents has soared alongside advancements in communication technology, leaving a long trail of ghostees. Admittedly, it’d be poetic justice for ghostees if ghosters got their legal retribution, but is suing ghosters a sure-fire protection from future ghosting? 

Without a trace

In the past, ghosting meant relocating without leaving a forwarding address, or the “simple act of leaving a party or social gathering without notice and goodbyes,” said Bree Jenkins, a Los Angeles-based licensed marriage-family therapist, in verywellmind.com. It later came to be viewed solely in the context of romantic relationships, where the lover went poof. 

Online dating afforded ghosters the opportunity to quickly disappear digitally from someone’s life, bringing ghosting to the mainstream of modern living. Friendships and business partnerships are now the new breeding grounds for ghosters living with impunity and ghostees nursing their wounds.

At the core of this phenomenon are people wanting to make real connections; like yin and yang, it’s twinned with disconnections. Traditionally, people weathered breakups with the help of the brain’s “social monitoring system [that] used mood, people, and environment cues to coach [people] how to respond situationally,” wrote Adam Popescu in nytimes.com. And here lies the dilemma: Ghosting doesn’t provide hints. Ghostees are like deer caught in the headlights because they can’t respond and, consequently, wallow in self-doubt. They eventually sabotage their “self-worth and self-esteem” in dealing with the overwhelming ambiguity.

Lady Yesisca, an Indonesia-based digital marketer, felt that the problem was with her, while Harriet Limbo, a Philippine-based financial adviser, quietly struggled with it and constantly asked herself why she was ghosted. Gotama felt like he didn’t know himself.

The cause of the pain is ambiguity. It’s the dagger in this form of silent treatment akin to emotional cruelty, said psychologist Jennice Vilhauer in an interview with Popescu. The severity of the pain depends on the ghosting level, of which there are three. 

Psychology professor Wendy Welsh explained in Popescu’s article that it’s lightweight ghosting when someone doesn’t text back. It’s midweight ghosting when avoidance is frequent in spite of past meet-ups. It’s heavyweight ghosting when the partner suddenly vanishes after having entered into a sexual relationship.

Ghostees endure devastation, anger, decreased life satisfaction, and heightened feelings of loneliness and helplessness, according to Dr. Anita Dhanorkar in medicinenet.com. The last two are felt especially by those who experienced “breadcrumbing,” an act of leading someone on by dropping crumbs of interest, or a combination of breadcrumbing and ghosting. Depression, dehumanization, devaluation, and poor self-esteem are also experienced by ghostees, added Jenkins. (Taking pain relievers like Tylenol said Dr. Dhanorkar can lessen the emotional pain which is as excruciating as physical pain.)

As for ghosters, they suffer from underdeveloped communication skills, an unhealthy problem-solving pattern, and the karmic backlash of being ghosted.

Breaking ghosting

There’s no particular look or trait to distinguish a ghoster or ghostee, but one’s view on relationships helps to shape the ghosting tendency. In a 2018 paper titled “Ghosting and Destiny: implicit theories of relationships predict beliefs about ghosting,” Dr. Gili Freedman et al. posited that ghosting is determined by the individuals’ mindsets. She studied ghosting in romantic relationships and friendships using the implicit theories of relationships and the dimensions of destiny and growth beliefs.

Destiny, or fixed mindset, is premised on relationships working out because people have found their soulmates, while growth beliefs, or growth mindset, is based on the idea that relationships can be improved through communication. 

Ghosting is one of the four methods of ending a relationship influenced by the implicit theories of relationships. It consists of not contacting and responding via phone calls and texts, unfriending or unfollowing on social media, and blocking the partner’s access to social media posts. (The other methods are face to face, phone conversation, and texting.)

The study on ghosting in romantic relationships had 554 participants—274 males, 273 females, four transgenders, and three undisclosed—of whom 3.2% were Asians. The results revealed that participants with strong destiny beliefs were more amenable to ghosting to end short- or long-term relationships, as opposed to those with strong growth beliefs particularly in ending long-term relationships. 

The study on ghosting in friendship had 747 participants—394 males, 346 females, and seven nonbinary—of whom 3.3% were Asians. Findings showed a majority admitting to ghosting in friendships. Interestingly, all participants were found to be more accepting of ghosting in a friendship, whether of a destiny or growth belief mindset.

Not apologizing is a way to break ghosting. “Saying sorry only makes the injured party feel more aggrieved,” argued Freedman, as apologies increase the hurt feelings, not the feelings of forgiveness. Vilhauer said it’s better to be honest about boundaries because apologizing only enforces a social norm. “If you say sorry, that answer would be ‘That’s ok. I forgive you.’ The good middle ground is explicitly rejecting someone and telling them, ‘No,’ not ‘I’m sorry.'”

Punishment

A Google search showed only two proponents calling for punishing ghosting. Apart from Teves’ bill, The Break-up Network (TBN) in the United States has a four-year-old petition in change.org on making ghosting illegal in long-term relationships. Addressed to US Sen. Debbie Stabenow (Michigan), TBN asserted that punishing ghosters would lead to healthy communication in relationships and less depression and suicide. It has 38 signatories to date.

Penalizing ghosting looks right at first read, but do Filipinos need to have their emotions judicially controlled? The state is already policing people’s thoughts (Red-tagging), marital status (there’s still no such thing as divorce), and women’s bodies (is the Reproductive Health Law working?). If implemented, is there a statute of limitations and, as Corre asks, “How does one go about proving and penalizing it?”

Yesisca thinks there’s no need to resort to legal means because social punishment is enough. After all, there are only six degrees of separation between ghosters and their ghostees. 

“The odds of you meeting one another again or meeting someone who knows the two of you are quite high. When people find out you’ve ghosted on someone, you won’t be painted in the most flattering light,” points out Gotama.

Predicated on fear, ghosting is the coward’s way out, or what Gotama calls a “shortcut to avoiding confrontation and the guilt that comes with telling someone that you’ve had a change of heart.” 

Corre finds that ghosters lack confidence and emotional maturity to face hard conversations. Yesisca labels them as egotists while Limbo describes them as hiding in the closet, only to come out when things have died down.

Teves’ bill is an overreaction because, as Vilhauer explains, “ghosting has a lot to do with someone’s comfort level and how they deal with emotions. A lot of people anticipate that talking about how they feel is going to be a confrontation [and] that mental expectation makes people want to avoid things that make them uncomfortable.”

Trauma is a major yet overlooked factor making ghosters avoid confrontations, but it isn’t “grave enough to warrant getting a law passed on it,” opines Gotama’s sister, Jakarta-based dentistry student Kelcy Gotama.

“I can sympathize with those who want to run away from existing problems. However, ghosting would absolutely sever all possibilities of patching things up,” she continues.

As painful and disrespectful ghosting is, judicial punishment won’t address the kink in the ghosters’ emotional development. Understanding and, at the extreme, professional counseling will. They need to come to terms with their puerility, emotions, and traumas without the threat of a lawsuit hanging over their heads.

As Kelvin Gotama puts it, “If someone ghosts you, leave them be. We shouldn’t disturb the dead, right?”

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