Being a student of the University of the Philippines (UP) Diliman is one thing; being a volunteer worker is another. In my case, being both doubled my emotional stress points and drew me into cyclical burnouts. Thankfully, this hasn’t prevented me from getting good grades or being pulled away from my work with the ROTC.

For a while, what I call my habitual burnout was leading me to contemplate my life decisions until I reached a point where I decided: “Who cares, I just want to pass.”

Over the past two years, with help from close friends and fellow cadet officers, I got over one burnout episode after another with a hint of hope of overcoming the next one, if ever it strikes again.

This burnout started in the second semester of my sophomore year after I decided to join the ROTC as a basic cadet. Later, I signed up for the Cadet Officer Candidate Course because I found it intriguing and I thought being an ROTC officer could introduce me to work in the real world.

A UP Cadet Officer’s responsibility is entirely voluntary and the tasks are equivalent to handling 18 units worth of subjects, or a normal semester’s academic load.

Juggling volunteer work and studies

Balancing ROTC work and academics, or juggling cadet tasks with school work, has remained difficult since. But I found that performing volunteer service as a cadet officer was rewarding, especially when I saw how our programs, such as our medical missions last March at Pook Dagohoy on the Diliman campus, brought joy to the people we served.

Being in the Cadet Corps also helps me academically, especially in completing assignments on time. When I have upcoming deadlines or important ROTC events to attend, I plan early to accomplish my academic assignments before my tasks as a cadet officer. As I must be present for training every Saturday, I have to set the days for what school work I should accomplish. I usually reserve Fridays and Saturdays entirely for the Corps. But sometimes, I have to sacrifice my academics for the ROTC and the other way around.

In November-December 2023, the workload in both the Corps and my course—research, journalistic investigation, media production—became heavier as the semester was ending.

I could feel the stress at the end of my first semester as a junior building up into panic attacks. I could not rest even when I tried because, in my mind, it felt as if I still had more work to do.

My ROTC tasks were always in the back of my mind, and whenever I took a break, I felt guilty for not doing anything. A fight erupts in my head between getting some rest and continuing to work. This battle being waged in my head causes heavy breathing, creates a tingling sensation all over my body, the kind you feel from a pinched nerve in the arm, which is uncomfortable and gives a general uneasy feeling.

Academic honorifics

I am now in my third year in my journalism studies. I had worked hard to win academic honors and awards for high grades and I did not disappoint myself and others who rooted for me. I received recognition twice as a College Scholar (Dean’s Lister) with a general weighted average of 1.75 and three times as a University Scholar (President’s Lister) for a grade of 1.45.

As a volunteer cadet staff officer, my tasks include writing reports on current events, such as the West Philippine Sea conflict, and what’s going on in UP that may be relevant to the ROTC, plus the weather conditions that may affect our training. I also write about our community outreach program and evaluate ways to improve the conduct of our unit. I must be prepared for making a report any time it is needed by my superior. In a way, these are not very different from my course requirements.

Juggling my two roles as a student and a volunteer worker developed my “habit” of burning out.

The Webster dictionary defines burnout as the “physical or mental collapse caused by overwork or stress.” I accept this condition now because my anxiety and stress seem to be constant in me. The good thing is that overcoming it has become a part of me, too. 

Still, I am exhausted, I think negatively, and feel inefficient or unmotivated to put in the effort to accomplish something.

The two crucial responsibilities I attend to become overwhelming because of tight schedules, overlapping assignments, and sometimes the need to sacrifice one for the other.

At work, my anxiety increases because of demands. After a critique session following our work, the negative aspects and shortcomings still stick with me.

Struggling to jumpstart myself

In my studies, I struggle to get the energy to jumpstart myself. When I rest or spend time with my family or friends, my anxiety nudges my mind by reminding me that I have many assignments to finish. But when there is nothing to do, I feel I must do something. I’m in constant “work or study” mode. 

Although I continue to strive hard to accomplish both my academic and volunteer work assignments, it is not enough for me to feel fulfilled. It reached a point that when I had examinations, academic papers, or a crucial subject to attend, I just did all of them for the sake of passing.

Not all things were negative in my experience because, amid the overwhelming and anxiety-inducing academics and work, there were things to look forward to on the bright side.

One significant aspect of life I found helpful was social connections.

As a freshman during the pandemic, I was alone in my room and too shy to reach out online to others in my batch and other UP students. I had practically no other people to communicate with. In the comfort of my home, doing my assignments, I struggled with my anxiety and self-doubt and I even asked myself: Am I worthy of studying in UP?

However, I realized I was not alone in my struggle when I met new people in UP and the Cadet Corps, and in two student groups that I joined who made me feel welcome and whose members were engaging.

According to a 2020 study in the Philippines, students involved in school organizations correlate with “depression levels, general positive affect and life satisfaction.”

Support and collaboration

In the ROTC, I grew to appreciate the supportive and collaborative environment. In my work as a cadet officer, I met other students who could relate to me, especially those who have struggles similar to mine. We talked about being tired and swapped stories of similar experiences in similar events. We became close because we were often involved in the same activities and went through hard and difficult times.

There, I met a person who is exceptional in my heart, someone who never failed to calm me whenever I broke down, crying and feeling angry at myself. Once, in the first weeks of December last year, I had to prepare paperwork concerning cadet attendance while I was also doing research and investigation work for my journalism class. The demand of choosing which task I must prioritize became so overwhelming that I broke down. It was difficult to focus on the work at hand so I had to stop to vent out my frustrations to the person closest to me. She comforted and calmed me down, and helped sort out what I should do.

Social interactions in school indeed help in improving the quality of our academic life.

As an introvert, it did not hurt meeting new people and forging friendly relationships that could possibly last a lifetime. Who knows? Maybe people like me will find their significant others or build a network of connections with those who could assist their careers. 

I am not alone in this journey. And neither are the others like me.

Mervin Manaois, a journalism student of the University of the Philippines’ College of Mass Communication in Diliman, Quezon City, and a UP cadet officer, is an intern at CoverStory.ph.

Read more: Finding our way to happiness amid life’s difficulties