It used to be my golf swing that kept me up at night. I would find myself awake at past midnight and crawling out of bed in order not to wake my wife, going to the living room (where I once nicked the coffee table with a golf club while practicing indoors) or the yard (relishing the cool quiet of 1 a.m.), and then attempting to figure out a natural, consistent, comfortably repeatable golf swing immune to disastrous errors out in the golf course.

Not that I have found my groove, no matter how I tell myself to “be like a machine” or “stick to just one or two swing thoughts.” Sure, anyone will say, “Go get lessons.” I did, early on, and the only thing I remember from those sessions is that when I introduced myself to the golf teacher, I described myself as “self-taught.” He scoffed at the notion and said, “There’s no such thing.”

I realize more and more that the only solution is to do the drills to the point where they become part of you and you get to “own” your swing because while the basics are the same, each golfer is different. Such is the nature of golf; it is a “feel” thing, no matter how well you drill. Pros miss short putts and find the water, too, just less frequently than most other humans.

Now, the concerns are more cerebral, and they are worse than struggling with my golf swing. I am not able to easily drop ideas that I want to take note of or write about and they keep me up longer, which means turning in just when my early-riser wife is likely to be stirring already.

Cerebral concerns, indeed, with me clearly not having enough brain power to find satisfactory answers to questions like:

What is the nature of Nature? What is its composition? What are its characteristics? There is human nature. There is biosphere nature. There is microscopic nature. There is the nature of the universe. Fundamentally, they refer to the is-ness, the constitution of an entity or a set of coexisting entities. At its core and entirety, however, we never quite know what the full is-ness is of anything. Nucleotides? Amino acids? Super-tiny vibrating strings? 

We do know that whatever the kinds of matter or energy there are, they just change shape and characteristics, they are never created or destroyed. Energy and matter just change into each other. Whatever form or attributes they take we never know for sure until they actually happen. And not then even, for our subjective perceptions always influence our understanding and appreciation of what we perceive. Shapes shift. Spirits shift, as our psycho-emotional states are reflected in a whole spectrum of emotions and mindsets.

One basic thing that concerns us about Nature is its permanence. How long will it last? Will it change for the better or for worse or remain as it is? How predictable and how knowable is it, and of what significance is it to us human beings? What is its value to us? Of what use is it to us? Will it help in our fulfillment or will it be a hindrance to us?

What is the world (the phenomenal world, the world of things and matter, and the empty infinite or abstract reality)? Deep down inside us, in our heart and mind, what is there? Humans and other entities exhibit both matter and various forms of energy (such as kinetic energy when we move or walk, biochemical energy when we digest our food, etc.).

Consciousness may also be considered a form of energy, as it is able to interact and shape our material reality.

As we are within, so are we without. If we have a chaotic self, so shall our relationships and environment be chaotic. If we are serene, we are in harmony with whatever and whoever comes our way.

Then there is the nature vs nurture debate. As in most things, it is not one or the other. It is both at the same time—the deliberate human interaction, human consciousness influencing or in interaction with nature and vice versa.

Even the simplest cell is a compendium of information. It is the information it contains that make it function: eat, reproduce, survive. Thus, as we, the “most complex” multicellular organism, evolved, apparently there needed to be more direction, more cohesion to the “tons” of cellular data we have. We needed something more than our genes to survive and reproduce. This is perhaps how consciousness—and its attendant manifestation, culture—evolved. We needed something to direct and shape our survival. Consciousness is basically self-awareness. Being self-aware, we become self-willed and self-directed.

But what about affect, emotional experience like love, pity, remorse? From where do they spring? While neuroscientists have identified parts of the brain with certain functions like memory, cognition, sensations of taste, hearing, etc., there is no clear “source” of feelings. Our consciousness is not objective and unemotional. 

How necessary is consciousness? Doesn’t consciousness separate us from Nature? Reality is changed by the mere act of observation. Of what use is it then? If it is not quite “objective” reality, we use consciousness to shape/manipulate/interpret reality.

Consciousness by itself need not be a “worthy” thing in the sense of value or desirability. We can just have an unemotional information-processing consciousness. But having a “self” and the awareness of it, and the awareness of other people, other selves, load up the discussion of consciousness with a lot of intangibles.

What is information? What is the nature of an idea? What is a concept? The nature of digital “if-this-then-that-if-not-this-then-that”? Digital information is encoded in a switch-on, switch-off pattern. Thus, environmental and internal triggers set in motion complex processes from a mass of heretofore inert information. Which in turn affects the environment, which in turn stimulates or triggers other processes in a cycle of development and decay. Unless extinction events happen and put an end to everything.

It is said that life is a mystery to be lived and not a problem to be solved. Not that they are mutually exclusive, as the mystery gets less and less murky with each problem we solve along the way. In some frontiers of knowledge, it might seem that we have already reached God-like abilities with technologies such as the CRISPR gene-editing tool, mapping the genome of entire populations, cloning, finding proof of the theorized “god particle,” the Higgs boson…

And yet we have not found solutions to intractable problems like poverty, injustice and war.

Enough, enough. I close the laptop and slip under the duvet. My wife does not stir, still blissfully asleep. That is comfort enough for me.

I turn to my side, my switch-off position, and quietly recite The Lord’s Prayer. 

Hello, darkness, my old friend.

Read more: Setting forth alone to the familiar, or travel as disconnection